Things Unsaid Reversed
by Ferryman
Summary: Spoilers for Millers Crossing. Rodneys POV or rather point of thought. I found him quiet during his stay with Wallace and missed his goodbye scene with his sister and thought him unusually tactful with Shep so decided to explore all. NO SLASH.
1. Chapter 1

_Spoilers for Millers Crossing. No Slash. Although Rodney is present throughout this episode he is unusually subdued as he normally would be with Wallce and it struck me to wonder why. This is my reasoning. Also, a few scenes that I wanted to explore (such as saying goodbye to his sister is Section 3). I have paid special attention to character names this time and any errors can be blamed on imdb – LOL._

_Also, in some places the dialogue in the episode was so vast that it would have taken a chapter just as straight copy so in these cases I have tried to stick to the main direction pointers. The thoughts and missing scenes come from my imagination and are worked around the exact dialogue in the episode. Please comment, all are welcome._

_Section 1;_

"This is not what you would call incentive" Rodney said, a he pulled on his straps, bringing his rant to a close. He was livid. Not only was Wallace surprised and angry that they had attempted to escape but he was sure Jeanie seemed more upset they had tried than the fact they had failed.

"I can't go through that again, you can save her" Wallace pleaded brokenly. Inside Rodney laughed bitterly. _Save her, I can't even save my own sister, and why, because I got lost!_

Rodney spat at Wallace "This is experimental work. It may never work and all this may have been for nothing". Inside he was still thick with shame and anger. _Damn his pride and Damn his ego. If he had only asked Jeanie to look at the map then she would be safe now instead of strapped to the chair opposite. Next time he would ask for help. Next time he would do whatever it took._

"I thought I had weeks, now if things stay as they are, I'm lucky if I have days" Wallace said thickly, trying to get through to Rodney. Although still turned inwards, berating himself for failing Jeanie, he was not deaf to the humanity in Wallace's voice and in anger he struck out at this humanity with words dripped in acid.

"You never should have injected her" He heard Sheppard in his head. _Shut up!_ Too late and as he realised what he had said he looked up at Wallace and saw his body tense and as Wallace walked to the far side of the lab it seemed to Rodney as if he could see the humanity leave him with every step. He wasn't sure if Wallace was talking to him or to himself as he said "No, no, It will work, It has to work"

As Wallace turned back to face him a cold dread filled Rodney. "What is that" he asked thickly, but he already knew. _Please, no, please don't let it be. Maybe he's bluffing. Oh, please be bluffing. Not that, please, not that._ He couldn't take his eyes of the syringe in Wallace's hand, noticed the way it caught the light like a knife.

"A dose of nanites" Wallace stated coldly, any trace of humanity gone. The words cut in to Rodney, cold settled into his bones. He watched in shocked silence as Wallace swept Jeanie's golden curls from her neck, all thoughts frozen, unable to process a single thought except one. _Jeanie._

"Merideth" Jeanie whimpered and his heart broke as her eyes full of fear locked onto his, pleading for a rescue he couldn't bring. Rodney, restricted by straps, took action in the only way he could.

"No, wait, please, I'm sorry" Rodney begged, now trying to appeal to the very same humanity he had attacked earlier. But when he heard Wallace's voice, that humanity was gone and Wallace's face was set in anger.

"You wanted incentive" he spat at Rodney.

The words cut into Rodney and inside he heard again his words that had driven Wallace to act in anger and his words that had asked for incentive. Guilt wrapped thickly around him as he realised his own words had sentenced Jeanie to her death.

Rodney watched, shamed in silence, as Wallace injected Jeanie with the nanites that would kill her. Inside he sobbed uncontrollably, _No, please no, not her, not Jeanie. Please you can't. _The pain of emotions almost too large to contain was so intense that all thoughts were seared from his mind. Only guilt and emotional pain remained.

Rodney's blue eyes drifted from Jeanie to Wallace. He listened in a daze as Wallace spoke. "Fix this, or they both die" Wallace stated coldly and he walked from the room. Rodney's eyes followed Wallace, not daring to say another word. Inside he thought, _if I live, you will die. Both of us hurt Jeanie and I will pay for that forever, but you will pay soon, I swear it._

A man came in and cut the straps and left in silence. Rodney looked down into his lap, rubbing his wrists, berating himself w_hat have I done. Maddy, oh god, Maddy, how can she ever understand. Jeanie. I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me, I know I can't. _He could feel Jeanie looking at him but knew if he looked into those fearful, watery eyes it would break him. He was also scared that he would see the realization and accusation that he had done this to her. _After what you've done to her, the least you can do is look at her._

He struggled within to push down the emotions that whirled within him like a storm. Finally, steeling himself he looked up hesitantly at Jeanie only to find that she had moved to her work station and was staring resolutely at the screen. The silence lay heavy in the room but he was loathe too break it. Preferring the uncomfortable silence to hearing Jeanie state that she could not forgive him for what he had.

He knew he would never forgive himself and he would never forget the look in her eyes as she called to him, as he failed her for the second time. He swore he would not fail her again as he moved to his own workstation desperately looking for the answers that could save her.

Rodney saw Jeanie's hand move slowly up to her neck as if to rub an ache and his heart clenched as he looked at her forlornly. _Is this how it feels when your heart breaks, it's so painful, there should be a noise, a loud noise, something this painful shouldn't pass by so quietly. _

He got images of their childhood together, of the last year when she became part of his life again. He adored her, seeking Jeanie's approval over his parents. Always in awe of the ease in which she could communicate and interact with others, achieving in two days what had taken him four years to attain in Atlantis and she still outshone him.

More than that Jeanie knew him totally and she loved him regardless, and he carried that love with him everywhere like a candle in the dark. He had not realised how the lonely the candle burned until Atlantis.

"You okay" he asked tentatively. Inside he whispered, _please be okay. I'm so sorry, I love you and I'm so, so sorry._

"Yeah, I'm fine" she said bluntly. No accusation but he could hear it amongst the pain in her voice. He tells her that the nanites aren't communicating and can't help thinking of the Irony.

More so to stop the silence from moving back in he discusses what they need to do. He realises he is avoiding the inevitable. He owes her more than this and as he walks back to his station he steels himself and turns to his sister. "Look, I'm really sorry about this"

She doesn't look at him and although it hurts, he can't blame her. "I really don't want to talk about this" she said stiffly, "We need to write this program and upload it to my nanites. I will yell at you later okay" and this time he doesn't just sense the barbs, he feels each one hit his heart and deflated he replies "okay"

He feels shamed that part of him is glad he won't have to hear her say she can't forgive him. He looks at her in a silent apology that she doesn't see. His wrist spasms, betraying the fear and nervousness he feels as he thinks of the pain when he finally hears those words. He turns to his workstation to loose himself in his work, to the only avenue left open to him to save Jeanie.

They work together, reprogramming the nanites. He checks it over and it seems to be correct. He wishes he had Atlantis to hand to check it over but he doesn't and with options limited he scours the program, trying to see if he's missed something but he can't, this seems to be it. Hesitantly, he uploads the program to Jeanie and then notifies Wallace that the program is ready for Sharon.

They have to wait for the results. Rodney starts ranting and pacing, anything to fill the silence so Jeanie can't, so he doesn't have to hear the words that will tear him apart. Doesn't want to hear the words that although she will live, she is lost to him and his life is empty again, that the candle no longer burns.

His heart clenches as he hears her voice and he moves to the nearest chair, steeling himself, but she doesn't say the words he's dreading. She's asking about Kate and it throws him completely but he doesn't want to speak about that Kate either. He's on borrowed time there to. _You can't have long now_ he says to himself morosely. He nods and agrees she's right he's been dating Kate about a year. _But a year on Atlantis is different to a year on earth. It's not as if you can call from the office to say you'll be home in 20 minutes. _He thinks sarcastically_ Too much time spent on separate missions or working on experiments and oh yeah, trying not to die in so, so many horrific ways. _

He likes being with Kate. Tries to be different with her, tries to let her in but knows the day will come when she realises what a mistake she has made. Only a sister's love is unconditional, he learnt that a long time ago. Yet even that he was going to loose, best to face it and start dealing with the pain. _Start building more walls_ he thinks bitterly, _I thought I was done with walls._

"Look, lets get back to how this is all my fault, because I think I preferred that" he said, already steeling himself against the pain. But he's given a reprieve from the inevitable as one of Wallace's men comes in to take them to Wallace.

They follow him to Sharon's bedside. She was sitting up. It had worked. He thought it would but could not be sure with the limited equipment. Inside hope and relieve flared but he couldn't allow his emotions to win yet, he still had to get Jeanie away from Wallace, to safety.

Rodney was already turned inwards looking for a way to get Jeanie out. They found themselves in Wallace's office as he poured them champagne and it all seemed so surreal. They were alone with Wallace and he wondered if he could take Wallace and not for the first time today he wished Sheppard was by his side.

"What are you going to do with us" he asked as he wondered how many guards were outside. "I'm going to let you go" Wallace replied with slight joviality in his voice, "I don't expect you to understand"

"You're right, I don't" Rodney replied, all thoughts froze in shock. Hope flares, Jeanie was going to be safe. Relief flooded through his body, followed by guilt. _Jeanie was right, if we had just fixed the program in the first place we would be free now and Jeanie would not have nanites in her system. _Wallace was still speaking to Jeanie explaining how he had always expected to answer for his actions.

"But you'll be arrested" Jeanie said. _Damn it, he injected you with nanites, who cares, damn it didn't she understand she was still in danger. _"Not helping!" he hissed at her, dread clenching his heart as he watched Wallace's reaction. Relief flooded again as Wallace explained he was expecting as much and Rodney released the breath he hadn't even realised he had been holding. They were interrupted as one of Wallace's henchmen entered the room. "We have a problem…….."

_Section 2 to Follow;_


	2. Chapter 2

_Section 2;_

They entered Sharon's room to see the doctor trying to resuscitate her. _No, No, please no _Rodney repeated to himself as despair flooded within him. The doctor was explaining to Wallace how his daughter had died. Rodney looked at Jeanie, he couldn't loose her. _I won't loose her_ he swore to himself defiantly. He moved closer and trying to keep the panic and pain out of his voice, he hissed in her ear "We have to get out of here"

"I know" Jeanie said sharply, arms crossed. Rodney walked behind her to stand between her and the guard. Trying to push down emotions that could threaten to overwhelm him he hissed in her ear, "Okay, I need to get you back to the SGC, your nanites are running the same program"

"I know" Jeanie stressed, this time the statement was barbed and Rodney felt every blow as she turned to him with her arms still crossed. "Okay" Rodney continued, struggling to suppress the emotional turmoil, "I'm going to see if I can distract the guard, I need you to" he trailed off as Jeanie walked towards Wallace. "Where are you going" he hissed. "Jeanie". _What was she doing! He needed to save her. He needed her to live. Why couldn't she understand that she wasn't safe. _

Then he realised. She did understand but she didn't trust him to save her, _and why should she, so far you have got her lost and then injected with nanites, you've failed her not once but twice_ and he watched jealous and hurt as she walked away from him towards the man who could save her.

He watched Wallace, holding Sharon's hand. So intent on his own grief was Wallace that Rodney did not think he could hear Jeanie as she argued for her freedom and for her life. Inside Rodney begged _Please listen to her damn you! I can't be alone, please don't make me live without her, knowing I killed her. Please let my sister live, please, please don't take her from me. I'll forgive you everything if you give her back to me now _and he waited on the edge between hope and despair and then he heard the quiet whispered words of Wallace "I'm sorry"

He looked at Wallace and recognised himself, desolate in despair. He started to move towards him, to beg and to plead, to promise anything and everything for Jeanie's freedom. To explain, one tortured desperate soul to another that he could not loose her.

Suddenly, Sharon gasped, a great shuddering gasp and lunged upwards, like a drowning man breaking the surface of the water. _Hah! Alive! She was alive, how was she alive, who cared, Jeanie wasn't going to die. Hah! Alive! _And as Jeanie moved back from the bed, Rodney moved to stand at her side. Euphoria starting to spread through his system, _Jeanie wasn't going to die, he wasn't going to loose her_. Then he realised something was wrong. There was no movement from her, no reaction to her fathers touch. Sharon was alive but she was still. Wallace and the doctor had been talking, Wallace had moved aside to allow the doctor access to Sharon and indicated to the guards and they found themselves back in the lab with Wallace.

Again, Rodney and Jeanie had incentive. They worked fast. They figured out that because they had broadened the nanites program that once they had fixed the illness they had gone on to fix other defects. Jeanie had figured that bit out, asking about Sharon's defect heart, _bright as a supernova _he thought proudly. Working together, they figured out that the nanites had shut down the brain to fix the heart, working as machines to fix a machine with no thought for the humanity that would be lost.

"Merideth. What about me. I…..I don't have cancer. They'll look around and go straight for……"

"Your Epilepsy" he finished solemnly. He could hear the pleading tone in her voice, silently begging him to save her. She had turned back to him again, trusting him to save her, and he wouldn't fail. He wouldn't loose her.

"I don't want to be shut down for repairs" she pleaded, unable to control the fear he could hear evident in her voice. He felt emotionally battered as he ran scenarios in his mind. He steadied his voice. He needed to be strong for her. "Okay, the first thing we gotta' do is make sure…………"

He stopped abruptly as the room erupted in machine gun fire and started to curl instinctively. He saw Sheppard burst through the door. Inside Rodney beamed and the heavy weight inside became lighter because now they could achieve anything. Sheppard had found him.

"You guys okay?" Sheppard said quietly as the soldiers cuffed Wallace. Rodney had grabbed Jeanie and rushed over to his side. "We need to get to the SGC immediately, is the deadalus still in orbit?" Rodney replied quickly. Inside repeating, _please let there be time._

"Your welcome, it was a daring rescue" Sheppard said tartly. He seemed pissed, probably expecting Jeanie to plant a kiss and call him her hero. Whatever, he didn't have time for Kirk. "Yeah, thank you, but we're not out of the woods by a long way so we have to get the SGC now" and this time he couldn't keep the panic out of his voice.

Sheppard hit his earpiece "Deadalus, this is Sheppard, we need a lift". Rodney saw he was worried. _Good, that meant he would move quickly and ask questions later._ They appeared on the bridge of the Deadalus.

"Beam us to the infirmary now. We have minutes so don't ask me to explain" Rodney stated strongly and clearly and with a nod from Sheppard they were in the infirmary of the SGC. Rodney briefly wondered if there would ever be a time when he wouldn't have to wait for whoever to check with Sheppard first.

"Rodney? Are you hurt?" Sheppard asked quietly. "No, Its Jeanie" Rodney said, his voice breaking slightly. As he moved her towards the doctors he cleared his throat and pushed down his emotions "Nanites are in her system, we need to induce a medical coma now". He turned Jeanie's pale, frightened face towards him. "I will fix this Jeanie, trust me". She pursed her lips nodded, attempting a tight smile as she let the doctors lead her away.

He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders and turned back to Sheppard and Ronnon. "I need a lab allocated to me and I need to leave instructions here. Let me know which Lab and I'll meet you there in 15 minutes. I am going to need some, erm, things I'll explain when we meet, okay?"

"Sure Rodney" Sheppard said, "I'll let you know which lab" he nodded to Rodney and left with Ronnon. By the time he reached the doctors Jeanie was already slipping into a coma. He told them what else was needed and then moved over to Jeanie who was already under. He swept the hair out of her eyes and as he whispered, "I won't fail you again Jeanie, I promise"

Sheppard had radioed, Lab 17. Rodney made his way there struggling against guilt and fear.

He found himself in Lab 17 facing Shepard, Ronnon and Agent Barrett. In his head he could hear the heavy ticking of time as it ran through his fingers like sand. "I've put Jeanie in a medically induced coma and I've broken her legs".

"You've done what" Ronnon stated darkly.

"Well, we need to slow down the nanites, look this could buy her time, nearly ten hours at least". He could feel his anger rising, having to answer questions when time was so valuable but he pushed it down. Anger wouldn't get him what he wanted.

"Well, couldn't you give her an illness" Sheppard asked. _Damn it! I didn't opt to break her legs because she broke my chemistry set when I was 4. Do you honestly think I'm some kind of monster?? Calm down, need to keep calm. I won't let anger hurt her again._

He steeled his emotions and turned to Sheppard. "Once we fix the nanites, her bones can heal"

"Instead of an illness that she would have to fight in a weakened state" Sheppard finished, nodding to show he understood

"Exactly" Rodney said, "We can't keep doing this, we need to fix the problem"

"What do you need, Rodney" Sheppard asked and he felt stronger with Sheppard's support. So here it was, his only hope. He started vaguely, "Well, as much as it pains me to say so, I need help" and this time he would take it from wherever and whomever he could.

He explained about the wraith. How he was the only person who could help him complete the programming in time and he stressed that time was an issue. He found he was repeating himself, unable to stop in case he failed to say the one thing that would make his case. Sheppard came and stood in front of him and held his shoulders, looking him in the face. "I'll make it happen Rodney, we will save her" and somehow when Sheppard said it, it seemed so factual, left no doubt. Rodney nodded, unable to speak another word. Inside he cried his thanks to his friend, John Sheppard.

He was left alone in his lab. He walked over and closed the door, input a lock code and slide down the door as tears flooded down his cheeks. Hope had flared so many times and so briefly over the last hours that he refused to feel it, even now. He hugged his knees in tight to him and released his pain, but he couldn't release the guilt, that would stay with him forever.

His emotions became bearable and he stood, weakened and painful. He started loading the program into the system with the wraith translation program and after unlocking the door he started working, in case Sheppard could not get the permission required to allow the wraith to the SGC.

_Section 3 To follow;_


	3. Chapter 3

_Section 3;_

Sheppard radioed him and told him the Wraith was coming but he still refused the hope inside. He left the lab and went to wait at the bottom of the ramp with Sheppard. They waited side by side in silence. Rodney said quietly, still staring straight ahead at the stargate, "Thank you for bringing us home". Rodney could see Sheppard look slightly towards him and he held out his chin defiantly, ready for some sarcastic response, then he saw the lopsided grin appear and then Sheppard said quietly "Anytime Rodney" and he swallowed down emotion as he knew it was true Sheppard would always find him and bring him home, so deep was this friendship he had found. He glanced briefly at Sheppard and nodded and then turned back to the stargate, an emotional wreck, unable to communicate beyond this with all his emotions bubbling beneath the surface.

They watched the wraith come through the stargate, even chained he was an intimidating creature. Tall and proud he walked towards them making the shackles look like a mark of office and the guards an escort, a privilege. They moved him to lab 17. Rodney had already asked Sheppard not to be present when he asked the wraith to help, aware that merely Sheppard's presence could antagonise 'Stevie' into saying no.

He stood and looked at the wraith. How do you ask a creature who looks on you as food to help you.

He tried to illicit sympathy discussing family connections but it didn't work. He tried to provoke emotions he could build on reminding the wraith of his comrades that were destroyed. Inside he thought of the Irony that he had swapped places with Wallace, now trying to connect with someone who had their own agenda.

He paused, considering the wraiths agenda. He needed incentive and even unsaid the word caught in his throat. Destruction of the Replicators was the wraiths primary objective and the programme modifications that were required to save Jeanie could also be used to decimate the Replicators. He put it to the wraith, to finish what they had started and use it against the Replicators. It worked, finally the wraith agreed.

The wraith highlighted the changes required and Rodney input the updates. It was going well and Rodney started to recognise hope. They were nearly done when the wraith collapsed "What's wrong" Rodney asked as he watched the wraith weaken.

Anger and frustration bubbled to the surface. _No, No Damn it! Not now, there were so close, almost there._ "Weak, need to feed" the wraith rasped. Rodney thought through scenarios and could only see one option. He lifted his hands towards the wraiths shackles and moved forward towards the wraith. Immediately the guard raised his weapon "Please back away Dr McKay" he shouted.

Rodney froze. He thought through his options in a split second. If he continued they would shoot the wraith, not him, and he couldn't allow that. The wraith had to live. Rodney stepped back and looked at the guard, who was looking at him as if he had gone mad.

"I need to see Sheppard" he told the guard, "Keep the wraith here, I'll come back soon" and he left the lab. Sheppard could order them to stand down. _He should understand, he's always sacrificing himself_ he thought bitterly. He went looking for Sheppard.

He found Sheppard in his temporary office. "I need to talk to you" Rodney said, his voice breaking under the emotional stress. Sheppard came round the desk quickly but when he stood in front of Rodney he leant against the desk, with his arms crossed across his body and waited.

Rodney explained about 'Stevie'. "Maybe he's bluffing" Sheppard suggested. _Damn it! Who cares!_ _I don't have time to call his bluff. The stakes are too high Rodney thought._ "He needs to feed" Rodney said, not sure how to ask Sheppard to allow what was needed.

"The NID aren't going to supply someone" Sheppard said slowly, as if talking to a child and anger flared in him. Sheppard thought he wanted someone else to die for Jeanie, he was to blame and he, Rodney, had to pay the price.

He stuck out his chin defiantly, "I know, that's why it has to be me".

"What?" Sheppard said and he could blatantly hear the disbelief in his voice. He had expected as much. His response would have been very similar.

"I want him to feed on me" he stated, surprised and pleased at how steady his voice was.

Sheppard sprung to his feet and it took every sense of will power for Rodney not to take a step back. Sheppard looked livid as he spat out quietly, dangerously "You Wanna What"

Rodney knew that tone was dangerous but it also made him angry. _Oh yeah, only Kirk was allowed to do the sacrifice thing. Shallow Rodney would have to look the word up. Well it shows how little you know me Sheppard._ He thrust out his chin defiantly and squared up "Let him feed on me"

Rodney watched as Sheppard looked into his eyes. Something intangible flittered across his eyes, closely followed by fear or anger, Rodney couldn't be sure. Anger seemed more fitting to Rodney.

"He's not going to just give you your life back when he's done Rodney" Sheppard said sarcastically.

It threw Rodney to start with until he realised Sheppard didn't understand he was willing to go all the way for Jeanie. _I thought you would understand John, when you love someone there was no limit. Do you think I'm not capable of such feelings or is it simply that you do not understand as well as I thought you did. Have all your sacrifices merely been military training, saving the team, saving the mission. __This was his sister and her life was worth giving everything he had._

"No" Sheppard said quietly and he may as well of shouted it as despair exploded through Rodney's body. He stood, shocked. _No? No?! Damn it Sheppard, help me! can't you understand how painful this is, to watch someone you love die and know you can do something. I thought you of all people would help me in this. I thought you of all people would understand._

The pain was almost too much. His words had condemned her at Wallace's hand and now his words had to persuade Sheppard that this was necessary. "Sharon died two hours ago" Inside Rodney told himself _Stay Strong, Yes it was too late for Sharon but there was still hope for Jeanie, if he remained strong_ and he tried not to sink into the despair.

"I thought the nanites……." Sheppard started but trailed off. Rodney started to tell him what had gone wrong, almost on automatic pilot. Sheppard was looking at him but his green eyes seemed distant, lost in his own thoughts.

Rodney could sense his anger and frustration building. He needed to connect to John, needed to make him understand. He allowed his emotions to surface, wanted Sheppard to understand his pain. "I can't loose my sister, John" To say it out loud, to voice the possibility. His body shuddered as he tried to control the pain of emotions as they flooded through it, as he tried to cut out the pain of his heart breaking.

The pain was worth it as Sheppard snapped his attention back to Rodney. He seemed to be having trouble processing. Rodney was trying to think what he could say, how he would get Sheppard to understand, to agree.

"That wraith will kill you" Sheppard said. Even in this emotional state the first thing that occurred to Rodney was _well that is the general idea._

"My choice to make" he retorted, pushing down his emotions and lifting his chin, trying make himself seem strong, that this was a choice born out of facts and not desperation.

"No, It's not, you are an invaluable member of my team and you report directly to me" Sheppard said.

"Oh you're going to discuss chain of command now" Rodney retorted automatically in disbelief. _Why are you fighting me? Why won't you help me? John, why won't you understand, I need you. Together we can save her John. I've fought at your side for four years, why won't you stand with me when I need you most._

"I can't" Sheppard said brokenly and Rodney finally saw the pain in his friend's eyes. They wouldn't allow Sheppard to let Rodney do this. _No, I have to be saved don't I. I may have to save Atlantis again, save Earth again, I have to be there to come up with the miracle cure don't I. They won't let me give my life for my Sister because they need me to give my life for Atlantis _he thought bitterly and Rodney realised that there were no words that would let the military allow him to save Jeanie.

He showed all his pain as he locked tear brimmed eyes with Sheppard and he laid himself bare with a last desperate begging plea that was dragged from the depths of his tortured soul. "Please"

"I'm Sorry" Sheppard uttered. Inside Rodney the shock that Sheppard would leave him alone, now, when he needed him most, when he had laid himself bare only to be denied, helped him to command his emotions as he struggled to push them down. He thought quietly _so am I John, So am I because this will happen with or without you and I'll never forget that it had to happen without you. _He started processing desperately, trying not to waste more time than he already had. He started looking for a way to do this without Sheppard and he tried not to let the feelings of betrayal show.

"Give me your access card"

Rodney looked up sharply at Sheppard's quiet words and couldn't help the brief flare of anger and betrayal show. He handed over his card and inside he said _You will only slow me down John, you can't stop me not when my only alternative is to watch Jeanie die. Goodbye John Sheppard. _He hesitated, _Goodbye Friend _and he left without a word, hurting inside, pain beyond measure.

He went to the infirmary next. He asked about his sister, everything was as expected, no complications. He asked for time alone with Jeanie.

He sat on her bed next to Jeanie and just watched her sleep for a while, giving himself time to school his emotions. He wanted this to be about Jeanie, not Sheppard. He wanted his mind and his emotions in these few minutes to be centred on his sister and then quietly he whispered. "I've come to say goodbye Jeanie. I hope you can hear me Jeanie because this is my last chance to tell you I love you, and I do love you, I can never express how deeply I do. You'll never know how much you mean to me Jeanie" and he smiled "because you would have made my life hell if you'd known".

He put his hand over hers.

"I wanted to thank you too Jeanie, for loving me. I know I made it difficult. You'll never know that when I was most alone, how comforting it was to have your love with me."

"Maddy needs you Jeanie and I can save you, I can send you home, but I have to die to do so and it's the easiest, simplest equation I've ever done." He paused, searing Jeanie's sleeping image in his mind.

His voice started to break as he continued. "I'm so, so sorry this happened to you Jeanie but I will put everything right, I just needed to say goodbye. I love you. Please try not to remember me too badly". He pinched his lips together to keep the emotions held in and blinked away tears as he leant in to brush his sister's cheek with a final kiss and as he pulled away he saw the light reflect off the tears he left on her cheek.

He left the infirmary and went to his quarters. He owed Kate something. He wrote a letter to Kate asking her to understand that this was his sister and that she had a family, that she was here because of him and he had to make amends. He thanked Kate for their time together and he said goodbye. He sealed the envelope and put it in the bottom of his case to be found later.

He considered writing a letter to Jeanie and to Sheppard and others. Considered listing things Sam needed to know but time was against him. He started looking for the picture of Maddy that he had brought with him but it wasn't where he thought it was. When he arrived he had been focused on Jeanie and he couldn't remember the smaller details of where he had put the picture. Then he thought about the wraith feeding and the thought that a creature like that could touch the image of Maddy, even in error, seemed wrong, besides time was against him.

He left his quarters without it and walked the hallways looking for a quiet lab. He found a lab with a couple of technicians in it that he didn't know. He strode to a computer and logged on. Access denied. Shock, he hadn't expected that. He hit the desk in frustration. _Damn you Sheppard!_ He smiled grimly and logged in as Sheppard. Access denied. He must have changed his own too. He knew Elizabeth's was frozen when the Replicators took her. He took a moment to lament the fact that he wouldn't be there when they brought her back. He would have liked to see her before he died.

Radek's didn't have the access at SGC that he needed and he hadn't learnt Sam's or Landry's, which was a mistake he thought with hindsight. He tried O'Niels. Access denied. Not really surprised, he had learnt that year's ago but figured it was worth a try. He racked his brains. No one else had the access he needed for his plans and he didn't have the time to get their passwords. He had to come up with another plan and fast.

If he hadn't been selfish and gone to see Jeanie before hand he would have been okay. He would have been able to carry out his original plan.

His emotions were constantly bubbling away, physically draining him and he was having trouble focusing. He would normally have 2 or 3 plans in motion but now he was having trouble thinking of one. He just kept replaying the image of Jeanie again and again, calling to him with tears in her pleading eyes and every time it rippled through his thoughts, dispersing them.

_Section 4 To follow;_


	4. Chapter 4

_Section 4;_

Doctor Lee entered the lab. It smacked of desperation and lacked the usual finesse he preferred but time was now short. He preferred his original plan of using the Deadalus beaming technology, he had liked the idea that they may never figure out how he did it but he didn't have the luxury of options. Lee paused when he noticed Rodney and then came over. "I heard about Jeanie, if there is anything I can do". Rodney just nodded, to busy thinking.

Lee nodded, and as he turned to go Rodney reached out and placed a hand on his arm. "Erm, actually there is something, I wonder if you could come with me, I need you to look at something for me" and he smiled his best smile.

Lee looked uncomfortable and nervous. Rodney frowned, then he realised he was out of character. He always overplayed. Damn he was useless at lying. He needed to make it more natural.

"Look, do you have any idea how many people go their whole lives without even meeting my kind of genius, I understand how your worried you might embarrass yourself but seriously, the decision is obvious, a chance to work with greatness" and he glared at Lee, his heart thumping so loudly he was sure Lee must be able to hear it. His wrist started to spasm as his nerve level rose exponentially so he leant on it, palm out flat on the table.

He saw pity in Lee's eyes and it made him shameful because he was to blame, he didn't deserve anybody's pity and also because of what he was about to do to Lee.

Lee hesitated, looking at Rodney. "Erm, okay, sure"

Rodney led him to his quarters, talking all the way so Lee couldn't ask any questions. Told Lee about the nanite program and some of the changes he had made. Told Lee he wanted to know his views on the next step. Told him he had some ideas on his laptop that he had been working on in Atlantis, if Lee could just have a look and see if he agreed with Rodney. Suggested they work from Rodney's quarters as the laptop was there and there was less chance of distraction. Still talking as he opened his door and ushered Lee inside.

"Go sit at the desk" he said. "I'll get my laptop" as he indicated a chair facing the wall he went over and got his laptop and put it in front of Lee. "You set that up and I'll get the program". Lee looked uncomfortable but was going along with it. Rodney went back to the case and as Lee reached out to plug in the laptop he raised the stun gun and fired at Lee's back with a silent apology.

He cringed as he watched Lee convulse, then he went over and searched his pockets and found his access card. He wasn't supposed to have the weapon and even Sheppard didn't know he had it, which in hindsight had turned out to be a good thing. He had been convinced they wouldn't let him help, too close to the subject. All that military rubbish so he had come prepared for his own investigation and, if need be, his own extraction but he hadn't unpacked it when it became clear he was going to have full involvement.

But now that had changed he thought bitterly, now he was on his own. He thought sadly of Sheppard and regretted again things left unsaid. He would have liked to have thanked him for so many things, mainly keeping him alive for the last four years.

He still couldn't believe Sheppard had left him in this alone. _It really hurts that when I meet my end he won't be there. I thought he would be by my side till the end, no matter what the future was, what the problem was I thought he would be here. I thought he was my only true friend, now it seems he was just an acquaintance for the history books. _He shook himself, no time for regrets, no time at all. He secreted the gun and left his quarters and made his way to Lab 17.

He walked on tender hooks all the way, convinced the gun stood out like a neon sign and not entirely sure if Sheppard had taken any other precautions apart from the password. Holding his breath, heart thumping, every time he passed a soldier, convinced they were going to shout stop and it would all be over and he would have failed Jeanie for the third and final time.

There were no other chances. If he failed now Jeanie would die. He slowed down as he neared Lab 17, a nervous wreck. He battled his emotions, needed to be strong. He built his walls and rounded the corner.

As soon as he saw the SGC guard he became nervous again. Glad it was SGC that meant Sheppard hadn't left guards or instructions against him. _Act normal damn you! _He told himself as he passed the guard, looking at his feet not trusting himself to make eye contact.

He swiped the card, Access denied. He tried again. "Work, please work, please work" he whispered to himself like a prayer. _Damn It! Lee had access to these labs, why wouldn't it work. I need to get to the Wraith, how much time I have left._

Then he realised. With a wraith in there security would have restricted access. _Damn! Why didn't I think of that before now_ but he knew why. Because the only thought he could keep hold of was Jeanie calling to him, asking for help, torturing himself.

His train of thought trailed off as he realised the guard was coming over.

"Is something wrong Sir?" the guard enquired politely. _Oh, where do I start_ Rodney thought to himself. "Er, No" he said to the guard and he tried to swipe his card again. "I'm Dr McKay, this is my lab, so if you can just let me in" he bolstered.

"Can I have a look at your card, Sir?" the guard said, still politely but a bit sterner.

He racked his brains but panic and nerves had scared all other thoughts from it. "Er, No?" he ventured desperately. _Oh yeah, that was great, really, really convincing you silver tongued devil you_ he thought to himself sarcastically.

"Sir?" the guard stressed, holding out his hand. Resigned to either handing over the card or getting shot he handed over the card. "This says Dr Lee, Sir" the guard stated.

_Oh great, trust him to get a literate grunt. _"Oh, does it? See I was just in the gym with him and we must have got our cards mixed up" _The gym?!! He doubted a scientist on base even knew where the gym was, damn it concentrate. _"So, if you could just let me in that would be great"

He was starting to realise he wouldn't be able to talk his way in and started thinking about alternatives. He knew he wouldn't be able to get the stun gun out in time. Maybe, if he just left and then came back with it ready to fire.

"I'm going to have to check first, please don't move sir" the guard was starting to raise his gun, starting to have serious doubts.

"Look, I have a very important experiment in there, its life and death and I have to have access now". He let all his frustration into it, redirected his anger from himself to the guard. "I am Doctor Rodney McKay and this is my lab so let me in there now" he trailed off as the door began to open. He frowned as he found himself looking at John Sheppard.

"Let him in" Sheppard said quietly to the guard. _What the hell was he doing here? Was he here to stop him? _Then he noticed the wraith, the healthy wraith, moving around behind Sheppard and as he moved into the room he saw the body bag, zipped, being wheeled out of the lab.

"What……?" Rodney started but trailed off not sure which question to start with first. _What are you doing here? What's in the bag? How come the wraith is breathing? __Why won't you look me in the eye? __Did you stand with me after all John? _He was just deciding on an ambiguous 'What the hell is going on here' when Sheppard interrupted his train of thought.

"Whilst I was showing Wallace around the labs, the wraith got the upper hand, at least that is what the official report will say" Sheppard said, still not looking Rodney in the face apart from the odd lightning glance.

_What was Wallace doing down here? Hang on, official report will say? Wallace is in the body bag. _Rodney wasn't quite sure what he felt about that. _So, did Sheppard do this or did the military do this? Why wouldn't Sheppard look him in the eye? What was he missing here?_

"You" Rodney started to ask. You did this? But Sheppard interrupted. "You had better get to work" as he nodded towards the wraith and the computer systems. _God he was right, he was playing detective and Jeanie's life was ebbing away. Who cared how it happened, he could find out about this later, now he had to save Jeanie._

"There's no need, the modifications are finished" the wraith rasped. Both Rodney and Sheppard turned to face the wraith, both seeming to have forgotten its presence until then.

_Complete, the program was complete. How much time did he have, how much time had he wasted? _"Well, we should upload it now" He said as he moved past Sheppard to look at the program. It seemed fine but then it had seemed fine at Wallace's lab but this equipment was better than that and the wraiths input ordained a much better result.

He turned to Sheppard and found he had left whilst he was looking at the program. He would see to him later. He needed to understand what had happened here today. He wanted to know if he owed Sheppard for helping to save Jeanie or if there were limits to their friendship but for now Jeanie still needed help.

He took the modifications to the infirmary and watched as they uploaded it to Jeanie. Just in time it seemed too. The nanites had just finished repairing the broken bones and the doctors were just contemplating if they should break something else. It all happened in a daze as if he had no emotions. All done from a distance and in this emotionally numb state and idea occurred. He checked with the doctors and was told that she would not come out of the coma for about an hour at least.

He returned to his quarters and entered hesitantly. _Thank goodness, Lee was still there and still unconscious._ He put the stun gun back in his case and woke up Lee. As Lee stumbled towards consciousness in a confused state, (which Rodney had been counting on), Rodney started his bluff.

"Gees, you okay? That was quite a shock you got there" as he pushed Lee up to a sitting position. "Shock?" Lee mumbled confused. Rodney knew not many of the scientists at SGC had been shot with a stun gun and so he was confident Lee was not amongst them and would not recognise the symptoms.

"Erm, yeah. When you plugged in the laptop, well, all I saw was a blue spark and you fainted" Rodney said as he started to help Lee to his feet. "Fainted?" Lee repeated, confused.

"Well, it couldn't have been strong enough to knock you out so you must have fainted" Rodney said as he led Lee to the door. "Look, I can handle this myself, I must be on the right track, I must have just of had a moment of doubt. Why don't you go have a lie down? Or get a cup of coffee?" he suggested as he pushed a dazed Lee through the door and up a corridor.

"Erm, Yeah, think I will, I don't feel so good, thanks" Lee mumbled as he stumbled down the corridor. Rodney gave him a silent apology and returned to his quarters. He doctored the power point in case Lee mentioned it to anybody and left for the infirmary. He checked with the doctors, the modifications had worked Jeanie was going to be okay.

"How long till she wakes" Rodney asked. "Shouldn't be more than 30 minutes" the doctor said. Rodney sat on the bed next to Jeanie's and watched her sleeping. Inside Rodney beamed, euphoria flooded through his system. The modifications had worked and she was going to be fine. Not only was Jeanie going to live but he was going to be there to see it but his thoughts were interrupted by a soldier, entering to lab and making his way directly over to him.

"General Landry has requested you come to the gate room, Sir" the guard said. Rodney just nodded towards Jeanie and said "Not just now, I'll be there in an hour". The guard put a hand on his gun and said "General Landry insisted Sir". Rodney looked at the soldier's hand on his gun and then he looked the soldier in the face and nodded and then rose and followed him. He had wanted to be there when Jeanie woke up, all he could say was this better be worth it.

He entered the gate room to see General Landry talking to someone behind Sheppard and Ronnon. "What's going on" Rodney said annoyed as he walked over to them. Sheppard grinned as he moved aside to show Teyla behind him. Teyla walked past Sheppard and Ronnon, squeezing their forearms as she passed them, to stand in front of Rodney. It wasn't that he wasn't glad to see Teyla but he should be at Jeanie's bedside.

Teyla took his head in her hands and moved his forehead down to meet hers. "I am sorry I could not be here before Rodney McKay. I came to lend my assistance in any way I can". The gesture of respect and friendship touched his heart and her dulcet tones worked through his angry exterior but he was embarrassed as always by the close proximity, still having trouble communicating feelings openly unless it was anger or sarcasm, especially as the memory that he had shown Sheppard so much of himself and still been denied was still so raw.

He pulled away from Teyla, a small part of him regretting the break. "No its OK, It worked, the nanites are inactive and no..er..broken bones .. so to …er… speak" He blushed slightly. He thumbed over his shoulder vaguely, feeling a little uncomfortable "I'd better get back, she is due to wake any minute" _She was, she was okay. Jeanie was going to be fine, she was going to live. _Rodney beamed a great big smile as he looked around the room.

Rodney saw Teyla smiling indulgently at him and felt bad that he had glazed over the deep friendship that had brought her here, belittling it somehow. He owed her something for being here to support him. "Erm, I mean, thanks, you know, for coming through, er, stargate, erm thanks" he finished awkwardly.

Teyla smiled one of her smiles and Rodney knew he was forgiven, that she understood, Teyla always understood. "We are all glad for you Rodney, tell Jeanie we wish her well, would it be Okay to visit her while we are here?" she asked in her calming, dulcet tones. Rodney nodded to each of them, resting on Sheppard. _I need to know what you got up to John and I need a few days to find out. _"I need to stay a few days, check there are no complications, check everything is safe and take Jeanie home"

Sheppard nodded as he said "That's fine Rodney, take all the time you need. We will return to Atlantis and complete the reports" he paused, "unless you want us to stay with you?"

"No, No, no need" Rodney said. _I need to know John, if I was with or without you._

Landry's voice made Rodney start, in truth he had forgotten he was in the room. "Quite a team you have, Colonel" _It was a hell of a team _thought Rodney proudly.

"Well, it takes three of us to keep Rodney out of trouble, Sir" Sheppard joked.

"Hey!" Rodney said, annoyed that it had sounded like a squeal.

"Come on kids" Sheppard said airily, herding them out of the gate room, "lets go say bye to Jeanie and pack our stuff, and get Ronnon a doggy bag" Rodney just nodded and started back to the infirmary, inpatient to get back to Jeanie.

Sheppard briefly organised the departure window for himself, Ronnon and Teyla and then they all left and headed for the infirmary. Rodney explained on the way that Jeanie was due to come out of her coma any minute but it could leave you a bit disorientated so it might be best if only he were there when she woke and then he could bring her to them and they could see her and so they waited in a recovery room near the infirmary while Rodney went to see Jeanie.

He sat on the bed next to hers and watched her sleep. He should have been content but it occurred to him that even though she would live, she may not forgive him. He may still have lost her. He waited for her to wake, waited to see if the candle still burned.

_Section 5 to follow;_


	5. Chapter 5

_Section 5;_

Jeanie started to stir and the world stood still. "Jeanie?" he said softly. His heart thumped as he watched her turn to him. "Mer?" she queried, obviously still a bit groggy. "Its okay" he said softly, standing up to be nearer to her and unsure of what else to say he repeated himself, "its okay".

"Man, medical coma's are weird" she says, trying to focus.

"Yeah, well you're not the first to mention it" he says, uncomfortable. Knowing he should be dealing with the main issues but he wants to stay here in her presence as long as he can, wants to remember the sound of her voice, her expressions so when she leaves him behind he will have this to remember. Not that he would ever forget her, but this, his final time with her he wants to remember. This memory has to be clearer than all the others so it can't fade with time.

Jeanie is looking at him without accusation in her eyes, and he's transfixed. Wants the world to stop so this moment never does but Jeanie breaks it. "Did you…." She nod's to finish the question she can't complete.

"Yes" Rodney replies firmly, pleasantly. Knows he could have put more information into it but wants to drag this out, wants to be here as long as possible, wants to delay the inevitable heart ache as long as he can.

"So I, I'm" she stammers and shrugs asking Rodney to tell her and he realises he's being selfish. She needs to hear that she is okay. He admonishes himself, _As if you haven't done enough to her already_.

"You are absolutely fine. I mean, apart from a few inert nanites in you" he said.

She sighs. "thanks Mer". But her voice has hardened slightly. Her features are sterner as she tries to push herself up. _This is it, _he thinks to himself._ This is where my world dies._

He reaches down to touch her hand but realises he has lost the right and with a heavy heart he faces his worst fear. "I'm really sorry about all this" and he grips the fingertips of his right hand to stop it reaching out to hold her one last time. His whole body stops, his heart stops and waits for her words to tear it apart.

"oohhh, I am going to hold this over your head for" and she pauses for a millisecond, "forever" and she begins to get out of bed. _That sounds like forgiveness. Does she forgive me? I don't think I can bear it if I'm wrong. Please, please be right. Please, please forgive me._

"hmm, totally fair" He says._ Anything that means you will still be a part of my life is totally fair by me_ he thinks as he bends down to get her slippers.

"Like your going to eat a lot of vegetarian food" she paused for a millisecond and pointed her finger at Rodney "and not complain about it"

"Sure" _I'd eat mud if it kept us together._

"And you read Madison 3 stories instead of her usual 2"

"Alright" he says, becoming more jovial. _Whatever, don't you understand, I would walk over hot coals for you to forgive me, so this is nothing. _He turns around to pick up her dressing gown. He will never admit is behind him because he wanted to hold something of hers.

"And you're going to buy me a car" she said as she slipped on her slippers.

"A car, lets not get out of control here" he said as he turned round. He had meant it sarcastically but seeing her standing as he had turned had cheered him so it had sidetracked him and it came out neutral. _Use your imagination girl, a car?? You're alive. I would buy you the world if you asked me. _

"You almost got me killed, that's at least a car…a hybrid" she said. It bothered him that she could say that so casually, so matter of factually. _You almost got me killed_, because the words wrenched at his heart. He concentrated on the robe in his hands, not wanting to loose his control.

"Well, We'll talk about it on the way home" he said thickly.

Jeanie sank back on the bed and he had a moment of sheer terror as he thought something had gone wrong. "awww, home. That sounds great" she sighed, looking up at Rodney. He didn't know if she could see the torment in his eyes or if she needed to say it was okay for herself but she stood up and hugged him, really hugged him. "I love you" she mumbled.

Rodney's heart exploded in joy. Inside the candle still burned. He held her, patting her back gently, smiling broadly with his eyes closed. "I know" he mumbled quietly. Jeanie pulled back and Rodney let her reluctantly. _She loves me. She's alive and she loves me. I'm forgiven. How or why I don't know but she loves me again. _Inside Rodney cried with joy, euphoria spread through his body and through his heart.

Then he noticed the silence. He looked at her raised eyebrows and what he calls the Duh expression, which usually means he's forgotten something. _What, I told you I loved you, I told you everything…ah…while you were asleep._

Rodney toyed with saying everything again but felt too emotional so just settled for the basics. "Well, I love you too" He watches as she puts on the gown, dying to help her, to do everything for her. She has a bit of trouble with her left arm so he raises his hand to help her but she gets it and he drops his hand loosely. He keeps glancing around the room, his eyes moving as erratically as his thoughts but always returns to Jeanie, to the centre of his world. Inside Rodney breathed a sigh of relief. The candle still burned. Then he remembers the others.

"Sheppard, Teyla and Ronnon are next door they wanted to see you before they go" Rodney said "Are you up to that?"

She nodded and then looked at him, "Before they go?"

"Yeah, I figured I would stay for a couple of days" he looked up hesitantly "If that's okay with you, I mean if you don't want me to" he trailed off as she put a hand on his arm and found eye contact "Of course I do Mer, besides you've got to buy me that car" she grinned. Seeing her grin made Rodney's heart feel like bursting with joy.

They go next door and he watches his team with his sister. Everyone he loves is here. This is his world and he would die for any of them.

He saw his team off, as he looked at them all he rested on Sheppard. "I'll see you in two days" _We will talk about this. When I know more, we will talk._

"Sure Rodney" Sheppard said casually. You're n_ot fooling me Sheppard._

He took Jeanie home. Jeanie suggested they didn't tell Caleb about the nanites. She would tell him later, after Rodney had gone. He agrees, sheepishly. Caleb and Maddy were already home when they arrived. Rodney felt very uncomfortable, felt as if he was intruding as he watched them hug, laughing and crying with the joy of each other.

Maddy didn't seem to quite understand the crying but she enjoyed the hugging and the laughing and then she hugged Rodney's legs laughing. "Are you staying uncle Mer?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Erm" he looked uncomfortably at Caleb, "only for a day". Caleb broke from his embrace with Jeanie and walked over to Rodney. He put his hand out to Rodney "Your welcome any time".

Rodney took his hand guiltily. _That's because you don't know about the nanites yet. _He wasn't looking forward to his next visit.

He spent the next day with Jeanie, taking joy in the pure fact that she was there. Alive. Breathing. And every time he saw her with Maddy he knew his life would have been worth it.

That night he read 4 stories to Maddy while Jeanie watched from the doorway, smiling.

The next morning they went shopping for a car. Jeanie drove him to SGC. "Keep Safe, Mer" she said, suddenly sad.

"I've got three bodyguards" he said with a grin, "I'm untouchable". He wanted to repeat everything he had said by her bedside but with her eye's open, looking at him, he found it so hard. "Thank you" he said. _For loving me, for forgiving me _he finished inside

She looked puzzled. "For worrying about me" he said. "Ahhh" she replied.

"Try not to blow up any solar systems" she said with a grin.

"Oh for goodness sake, do you have to. I mean every single time"

"Yep" she said nodding enthusiastically, grinning from ear to ear.

He sighed. _He didn't want to leave her. He wanted to stay with her forever, to know without a shadow of a doubt that she was safe to see with his own eyes that she was okay, but he couldn't. _"Goodbye Jeanie" he said, almost casually, belying the emotions that bubbled inside.

He got out and walked away from the car. He had intended to look back and wave goodbye but he didn't think he could do it and continue to walk away. Inside he said "Be safe, Jeanie".

After, he had stowed his gear he went to Landry's office.

_Section 6 to follow;_


	6. Chapter 6

_Section 6;_

He knocked on Landry's door. "General, if I could have a word please" he said, all politeness.

"Of Course" Landry said, but he could see that Landry was suddenly wary.

"It's about my computer access, I was having trouble a couple of days ago and I was wondering if it was okay now" he asked, the picture of innocence, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

Landry smiled "I suspect everything is okay now, Doctor McKay"

_Hmmm Doctor McKay, instead of Rodney was that significant? _That was the trouble, he didn't know Landry well enough but he had the upper hand. Everyone thought Rodney was pathetic with human nature so they generally didn't try as hard to hide their feelings as well as they should but they were wrong. Rodney was normally just too busy thinking of other things that he considered more important but when he put his mind to it he was nearly damn physic and today he had his mind on it totally. He couldn't lie to save his life but he could process facts, figure out problems and think fast.

For instance Landry had smiled. That meant that he knew about the restriction put on his access which means Sheppard had approached him. Question was what was said to get his access restricted and what else had they discussed. He was just wondering how to continue when Landry gave him the opening he needed.

"How is Mrs Miller?" Landry enquired.

"Jeanie? Oh she's fine now. Nanites are inactive thanks to the Wraith. I wanted to thank you for helping with the Wraith, you know bringing him here, keeping him, er……" Rodney looked him in the eye "healthy" _ambiguous enough to back away from but inviting enough to discuss._

"Sheppard explained how it was for the best, given the alternatives. How are you feeling now by the way?" Landry asked the corners of his mouth raised slightly and a glint in the eye.

_Hmmm, likes games. _"Me? Oh I'm fine now that Jeanie is safe. Shame about Wallace though, I would have liked to say a few things before his demise but well, he put things right in the end I suppose" Rodney smiled a tight smile and waited.

Landry watched him. The silence was slightly longer than it should have been and Rodney was just starting to wonder if he had moved too quickly when Landry replied. "I think you will find that Sheppard said everything that was needed" and then he watched Rodney some more.

_So, Sheppard had talked to Wallace before he died. There should be tapes of that which would give him more information and then he could continue this discussion later, with a few more facts. Rodney liked facts. He did not like flying blind if there was an alternative._ "Well, I'm very glad Sheppard managed to find the time, it seems he was very busy during his stay, I must remember to thank him when I see him next" he said.

"I think you should make a point of it Rodney" Landry said.

_Hmmm, so it was Rodney now. He was being told clearly that they both knew the conversation that lay underneath and now he knew he was right. Landry had given permission but he had implied Sheppard had asked him. Sheppard had stood by him, but I have to be sure._

"Well, I'm scheduled to leave at Noon and I have some things to do before I go. I'm glad I had the opportunity to thank you for your assistance over the last few days General" Rodney said as he nodded and rose to leave and I_ mean that General._

Rodney nodded and turned to leave. "Maybe I will see you later then Rodney?" the General said, the picture of innocence, his eyebrows were raised questioningly. Rodney didn't miss the impression of himself but he just smiled.

"Most probably, General" Rodney said and left.

Rodney returned to his quarters where he had stowed his equipment. He plugged in his laptop, luckily he did not have the same room or he would have had the dilemma of fixing the power point or getting a shock first. He wondered briefly who had the room now.

He logged in to the system. Access granted and he couldn't help but smile. He didn't even bother looking for logs of Lab17 as he knew they would have been taken care of and may even have been switched off prior due to the wraith. He started with Wallace's cell block.

He started at the end of the records and worked his way back. He saw Sheppard escort Wallace from the cells and he saw that Wallace had gone willingly. He was very surprised but glad about that at least, he had kept getting visions of Wallace secured and screaming whilst the wraith fed. He went back further and found Wallace missing from the cells for about an hour. He noted the time frame and started looking through the tapes for Sheppard and Wallace just before this time frame.

He found a segment of Sheppard leaving Landry's office. Most would have considered his strutting walk insolent and his set face insulting but Rodney had worked with him for four years now and he noticed the way he walked down the corridor, the set look of his face and saw that this Sheppard was having trouble keeping his emotions in check. He couldn't tell which ones, he needed to gauge reactions for that and you couldn't do that with a recording.

He continued through the tapes. Finally, he found the interrogation room that they were both in but no tapes. He now had location and time frame. He started to scour the system. Eventually, just when he was beginning to doubt he would ever find it he did. He ran a quick recovery program on it and then played it. The quality was terrible but the sound was legible.

He listened to Sheppard coerce and twist and he heard Wallace move step by step towards his death. And he knows Sheppard, he knows he's hurting to do this but he had done it anyway, for him, he has done all this for him_. I'm sorry I doubted you John. _

He felt guilty because he doubted Sheppard and he had done this for him and he knew Sheppard would take the blood on his hands and torture himself with it but at the same time he felt proud as he heard Sheppard defend him, protect him. _You fought by my side Sheppard_ and he felt a heavy weight lift that he had not realised was there. To know without a doubt that someone was watching over him not just because of what he could do for them but because of him, because they were truly friends, because he was liked faults and all.

_I know this is killing you Sheppard. Is that why you wouldn't look me in the eye, because I would have seen what you had done, because I would have seen what this cost you. Did you think I would not understand, this is my sister Sheppard and I would kill the world for her, how can I condemn you when you killed one man in my place and saved my sister. _

Suddenly he just wanted to get back to Atlantis. He wanted to see Sheppard. He needed him to know that he understood. He wanted Sheppard to know that they were okay, that they stood side by side. He wanted Sheppard to look him in the eye again.

He destroyed the disc and the supposedly deleted entry he had worked from. He picked up his things and went to see Landry. "General?" he enquired. Landry indicated the chair without a word. Rodney entered and closed the door behind him. "I have a delicate question and I was wondering if you could help me, General"

"I'll try my best, what is your question"

"Why is 'it' unofficial, why does Sheppard's report say what it does about Wallace"

General Landry sat quietly for a while. "I was expecting something else but I see you have moved quicker than I thought. Sheppard was right, you do think fast." He took a deep breath "In hostage situations we don't negotiate and the reason is very similar. In this instance Sheppard offered us an opportunity, which Wallace was willing to agree too. I did not want to have another situation where this was brought up as a precedent and so we thought it best to make the details unofficial, does that answer your question?"

Rodney sat and thought it through. He could see how it would avoid future discussions. "I think so. Who knows the unofficial version sir?"

"Sheppard, myself, the President and the security detail chosen by Sheppard"

"Is….Will Sheppard get any comeback from this" Rodney asked, anxiety evident on his face.

General Landry smiled. "No Rodney. Nothing happened"

Rodney gave a tight smile. "I want to thank you again, I am leaving now. I intend to take your advice and make a point of thanking Sheppard"

General Landry smiled, "I'm glad to hear it, I think he will be too"

Rodney left and travelled back to Atlantis. As always he felt the calming sense of coming home. He went to his quarters and unpacked his stuff. He went to the cafeteria and waited but Sheppard never appeared. He saw Ronnon and Teyla and sat and talked with them. After a while he realised that Sheppard had been expecting him back and that he was being avoided. _So, not going to happen flyboy. _He went looking for him.

He stood outside his quarters for a while. He wanted this to go right. Then he rang, the door chimed. A few minutes went by and he was just about to ring again or maybe progress straight to knocking when the door swept open. Rodney walked in as if nothing was different.

"Hi" Sheppard muttered. "How's the family" he said, sounding forced. _Alive, thanks to you,_ _You reading that magazine or you planning to fend me off with it_ Rodney wondered. Sheppard was doing his fake nonchalant pose and he looked as stiff as a statue.

"Great, brought them a car" said Rodney breezily. _I wonder if I'm as transparent now as he is._

"Guilt?" Sheppard asked. _Straight into the dance _thought Rodney _we could do this for days. I need to sort this now. _He took a hesitant step in the dark.

"Yeah, listen, I can't believe what you did" Rodney said. _You gave me back my sister John._

"I don't want to talk about it" Sheppard said, gazing fixedly at his magazine. _Well tough _thought Rodney

"Well, you talked Wallace into sacrificing himself" Rodney stated. _  
_

"No, no I didn't" Sheppard said thickly and Rodney could hear the guilt heavy in his voice but the words threw him. The quality had been bad but he knew Sheppard's voice, he was sure, wasn't he?

"Well, then how did he….." Rodney started. He was determined now that he would not to let this go. There would be answers here today.

"I presented a situation" Sheppard paused for a minute "he volunteered" and then he looked at Rodney. _At last, some progress_

"Still you talked a man into killing himself" Rodney said.

Sheppard gave a half shrug. "He wanted to make things right, I merely, er….."

"Presented the situation" Rodney said in slow exacted words. Sheppard looked at him glassy eyed and he saw that Sheppard was starting to understand, starting to see that Rodney knew and that he understood. More than that, he was starting to see that Rodney was trying to thank him.

"Yeah" Sheppard said, but there was still that unwillingness to see. Rodney tried to think of what he could say to make Sheppard understand and then inside he gave a small laugh. Of course.

He turned to Sheppard and locked eyes with him. Gave Sheppard a chance to explore his open expression, to look into his eyes and see only the truth that Rodney was thankful and then he pushed the messaged home. "Thanks" he said softly, nodding acceptance to him and then Sheppard nodded back and Rodney knew he finally understood. _You accept me as I am and I accept you as you are._

Rodney rubs his hands on his thighs thinking of the Wallace's blood on his hands and then he thinks of Jeanie and considering the debt he would pay, it's a small price.

"You wanna get something to eat" Rodney says and he stands. Sheppard pauses and he thinks he's gonna say No but then he looks at him and changes his mind in an instant "sure" and the change in his body language is suddenly genuinely relaxed and suddenly they are walking down the corridor together, side by side.

Then something sparks in his memory, Jeanie saying that he should marry Kate because he was, 'no John Sheppard'. _He would kill the world for her but sometimes he would sooner just kill her, never did have any taste in men. _

"We're about the same in the looks department, Right?" he asks Sheppard.

"Who's bin lying to you" Sheppard asks. _Jeanie if you ask me _he thinks sulkily

"Oh Ha, Ha, No seriously, were about even right?" Rodney said. _Well it certainly seems to make him smile anyways._

"Like I said who's bin lying to you" Sheppard said, his lopsided grin appearing.

_And this is how it should always be. Talking together, walking together, fighting together, friends together, always together, side by side is where they belong. I'll never doubt you again John_ and Rodney finally realises that Jeanie's candle doesn't burn alone anymore.

Complete x


End file.
